Depression

I wish people knew more or cared more to know about depression.  It isn't some mental illness that people make up so they don't have to do things, or an excuse to lay around the house all day.
People should think of depression as a disease, like Diabetes.  If you don't take your medication or don't control your diet, you can get really sick or even die.
The same thing with depression.  If you don't find the right anti depressent or doctor who is willing to go that extra mile for you, you could be in a world of hurt.
I've never thought I was for this world.  I always felt apart from it.  I have seven brothers and sisters but I still felt alone during my childhood.  That aloneness has stuck with me all these years.  I feel better around people, but it never seems to work out that way.
I'm also a very sensitive person.  Things affects me more than other people.  I've had to quit reading the paper because it caused such depression.  I can no longer watching anything higher than a G rating, because the depression seems to get worse.
I've been depressed off and on ever since I can remember, but this last bout of depression has gone on for seven years.  It's the longest I've gone without some kind of reprieve.  I keep telling myself it's going to get better, but it only seems to be getting worse day by day.
I feel I've lost God.  I can't hear him.  My faith is very fragile right now.  I feel as though I'm not praying correctly or doing something wrong.  I've scanned my brain to try to find a way to change the way I think, but I feel so trapped in this world I hate so much.
I hate Albuquerque.  I only moved here to be near my sister, who moved away within a year of my moving out here.  I have a brother out here, but his wife has cut us off completely.  That hurts terribly.
I have a niece out here who is my light, but with both of us working full time, it's hard to spend time together.
I hate my job.  I mean I love nursing and being a nurse.  I hate being harassed and treated like dirt for being an LPN.  I am CONSTANTLY being harassed and was praying and hoping to get a job in the clinics so that maybe I could be happy with my work again.  I applied and interviewed for the job and was told it looked promising.  What did they do?  They hired someone from outside the facility!  I should have preference since I'm a veteran and have worked here for 5 years!  But I'm trapped at this awful job because I have no where else to go.
I have three mid-terms this week.  Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.  I've been half heartedly studying, but have you ever tried studying while you're having a heart attack?  Or having just broken your leg before you go to the doctor?  It feels impossible.  I wake up every morning in a horrible anxiety attack just at the thought of going to work.  To the point of chest pain.
I try to get out of the house and do stuff, even if it's just taking a walk in the sunshine.  I can't go to the gym because my hip won't heal.  My doctor's can't seem to figure out what medication would get me out of this depression.  I can't even list all the anti depressants I've been on over the last 20 years.  I've actually begged them to do electro shock therapy on me, that's how desperate I am to get better.  They want to try more pills.
Last week a good friend of mine died from a massive stroke at the age of 60.  Another friend had a major heart attack and had to have quaddruple bypass surgery.  Yet another friend, my age is dying of cancer.  She's married and had a child.  I've prayed and prayed that I could switch places with her.
I'm so tired.  I'm out a patience.  If something was going to get better, it would have happened by now.  But it hasn't.  Things just get worse and worse.  I kept telling myself, tomorrow will be better, next week will be better, next month, next year.  And it never is.  I try changing the way I do things.  I try not to hide in my apartment, I try to get out and get some exercise or be around other people.  I've run out of things to try.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I want to go home to live with my Father.  That's all I wish for now.
My dad told me once that cats never die in public.  That if they know they're going to die, they go off somewhere and die alone.   I want to be a cat.